I just can't help myself
by CaleighWho
Summary: Nikki and Tom are in an almost steady relationship. But when they have a heated argument, their relationship starts to breakdown. Nikki confines in Lorraine and discovers the reasons why she can't bring herself to tell Tom that she loves him. She is left to choose between Lorraine and Tom, and one of them has an unexpected leave. Nikki/Tom - Nikki/Lorraine. Please leave a review! x
1. Chapter 1

_**I just can't help myself **_

Nikki lay in her bed, smiling to herself as she felt Tom's warm breath sneak up on her neck. She moaned softly as he gave her little butterfly kisses. Turning around to see his beautiful smile was the best part of her mornings. She loved it. He made everything worthwhile. "Morning gorgeous." He whispered, gently but passionately kissing her on the lips. She giggled, grinning uncontrollably into the kiss. "Morning Clarkson." That never got easy to say, no matter how many times she said it, it felt unreal, it almost felt wrong. Her eye caught sight of the time, her body quickly flinging out of bed. "Shit, Tom, I'm going to be late." Nikki rushed out of the room, grabbing a small blanket to cover herself up on the way.

Tom smiled to himself. Just the thought of Nikki made him happy, yet alone having her in his arms, in his bed. She made him smile. No matter how bad he felt during the day, he kept smiling, just knowing that when he got home he got to sit with her for hours. He loved how he could talk to Nikki non-stop about anything, all his personal problems and she would sit there and listen, help him get through it all. She didn't abandon him when he needed help the most. He loved how much he could trust her. He loved how perfect she looked every hour of every day. He loved how she got annoyed over the littlest of things. _He loved her_.

* * *

Nikki stood in the kitchen with a half a cup of coffee in her hands, which was very much needed to keep her awake. "Where are you going? We haven't got to be in for hours yet." Tom spoke softly, his arms wrapped gently around her waist. "I, erm… I've got a stupid meeting with Lorraine and Michael about the PRU." She sighed, turning around, Tom's face only inches away from her own. He smiled before giving her a meaningful kiss on the lips. "I was thinking…" He started, his palms becoming sweaty. "You could move in soon, if you want to?" He gulped. Nikki froze, her mouth half open, her head in a frown and the words refusing to come out. "I… erm." She choked before placing the mug back on the counter and escaping Tom's caring arms. "I've got to go." She said quickly, grabbing her things and leaving in a hurry.

Tom stood in his kitchen baffled by what had just happened. Did she just run away from him? Did she reject him and go? He felt like a right idiot, stupid to have even thought of the idea. He just assumed she would want to move in, considering they have been _a thing_ for a while now. Although, she had been acting a little weird lately, she hardly went to his anymore, and when he mentioned about going on a weekend holiday together, she went all weird and said she felt sick, basically ran back home. Maybe she didn't like him anymore. Maybe she found someone else… He just dismissed the idea, taking himself back upstairs to get ready for work.

* * *

The school was reasonably quiet, not many students bothered turning up to school earlier than expected. However, the odd person would come in, get some revision done, do extra work, sit a before school detention, or whatever the reason maybe. She forced a fake smile at the pupils she passed on her way to the PRU, eager to put down the heavy books she cradled in her left arm. Opening the first door, she sighed, before unlocking the second and immediately dumping the books on her desk. She slumped into her seat, the image of Tom's face painted in her head. She couldn't say yes, she just couldn't. She wasn't ready for this. No matter how much she wanted to be ready, her mind just wouldn't allow her to be. And as much as she wanted to love Tom, her heart wanted someone else.

Just as she held her head in her hands, Nikki heard a gentle knock at the door. Daringly, she looked up, surprised to see Tom stood there with a small smile on his face. She gulped before slowly walking over and unlocking the door. "Tom." She almost whispered, leaning against the door frame. "I wanted to apologise for being so forward with you this morning…" He apologised, the look of hurt written across his face. Nikki smiled, nodding her head. "…I was just surprised when you ran out on me." The little happiness in his voice dying down. She closed her eyes tightly, blocking out tears she could feel growing in the corner of her eyes. "I just couldn't agree with it, Tom." She finally announced. "Why?" He asked, a hint of pain in his voice.

Maybe it was time she was honest with him, time she told him how she _really_ feels. She likes him, of course she does, she has ever since she started at Waterloo Road, and they always had a bit of a thing going on. But lately, she felt like they had grown _too_ close, that things had gotten _too_ serious and she felt like her heart wasn't ready to commit to him. "We're not official, Tom. We haven't told anybody about us. I can't just suddenly move in! It feels so wrong." She complained, moving back behind her desk, leaning her hands on it to support herself as she felt herself become lightheaded. "I just think that it's all happened too fast. Maybe I need some time alone." Nikki's heart stopped as she saw Tom's eyes grow bigger with shock. "So is that it?" He frowned some more. "Because that seems a little bit abrupt. I mean… we spent 2 weeks together, and I thought we had something. For weeks we were checking each other out on the pitch, giving each other looks in the staff room. And what about that one night at the pub, when we…" He let a small tear slip down his bright red cheek as he looked up, avoiding her piercing blue eyes. "Did that mean nothing to you Nikki? Do _I _mean nothing to you?"

Nikki shook her head vigorously, her pulse speeding up. "It's not like that Tom. Of course you mean something to me…" She choked on her words, tears falling rapidly from her eyes. She looked down at the desk, avoiding his sudden glare. Tom stared blankly at the mess that stood before him. "Is there someone else?" He asked coldly. Her head shot up, her tears turning to frowns. "What?! No, Tom…" Her voice trailed off. "Yeah… okay." He nodded his head in a sarcastic agreement before turning around and storming out the PRU, leaving Nikki to sob into her work.


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki stood by the coffee machine, the tiny grains of heaven invading her nostrils. Her head was spinning. All the pupils were tired and grouchy, as were all the teachers. The staff room was surprisingly quiet which allowed her mind to wonder off and think dangerously. She could hear the familiar sound of heels clicking against the floor. _Lorraine_. "Morning." She greeted her at the coffee machine, yawning slightly. _God, she looked gorgeous, even when she was yawning_. Nikki shook her head, getting rid of those silly thoughts. The same silly thoughts that constantly popped into her mind at the most random of times. "Morning Lorraine." She sighed in her tired state. As their eyes unexpectedly met, Lorraine sensed sadness in Nikki. "What's up?" She asked, her soft side shining through as she placed a gentle hand on her arm, giving it a small squeeze. Nikki's stomach tied into knots. "Nothing." She gulped down some of the hot coffee, feeling it travel through her cold blood.

Lorraine removed her arm a bit too quickly, as if the heat from Nikki's body was burning her. "Anyway…" Nikki said changing the subject. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?" she smiled, ignoring the tears welling up in the back of her throat. "I just wanted to apologise for being so stupid last term." Lorraine gulped, watching as the look of confusion take over Nikki's face. "And I would very much like to go for a drink with you sometime?" A small smile crept across both of their faces, despite the sudden sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs.

_No_. Nikki said to herself. _No_. She kept repeating it, hoping that it will change her feelings towards Lorraine. But it was no use, it didn't work. Because as soon as Lorraine's skin touched her own, Nikki felt her heart skip a beat, and it was a feeling that she didn't want to forget. She wanted to stay in that moment forever. And although it was a simple brush of flesh as Lorraine grabbed her cup of coffee, Nikki still felt a thrill, a sudden happiness and comfort. "Yeah." She mumbled before clearing her throat with a quiet cough. "I'd like that."

She suddenly felt the air disappear as their bodies became closer and closer with each breathe. Lorraine's hands were placed gently on Nikki's hips and her fingers trailed tiny patterns. She could feel her pulse beat faster than it should. Breathing heavy. Too heavy. Goose bumps covered Lorraine's skin as she became brave, placing a small and delicate kiss onto Nikki's rosy cheek. For a moment, just one moment, the world stopped spinning. And it was that little brief moment of contact that sent her heart running away. The thoughts, doubts and worries of Tom disappeared. She was fighting a losing battle, a battle that was no longer needed as she didn't care anymore. She had kept her feelings for Lorraine hidden in the dark for so long, but now it was time that she admitted it to herself. She _liked_ Lorraine, and maybe, just maybe, Lorraine _liked_ her too.

Lorraine pulled back, her hands still placed on Nikki's hips. Her heart was beating uncontrollably fast. She felt a bit relieved to be honest, relieved that she had finally expressed her feelings towards Nikki. And she could tell Nikki was thinking the same. The heat between them was becoming unbearable as her face turned a scarlet red. Lorraine smiled, noticing her body tipping forward slightly, Nikki's following pursuit. She could feel Nikki's eyes flickering too quickly from her eyes to her lips. She didn't know what was going to happen next, but she could guarantee she was going to enjoy it.

And then their chests were pressed tightly together, and Lorraine found herself tipping her head upwards, allowing Nikki to gently brush her lips against her own. Nikki's hands softly ran through her blonde curls, causing Lorraine to sigh into the kiss. Her hands moved wondrously around Nikki's thin yet well-built body; clutching tightly onto the fabric of her tight blue shirt, wrinkling it slightly as she pulls her closer. For a few seconds, their hearts stopped racing, and the sounds from the outside world died down. For those few seconds, it was just them, Lorraine and Nikki, lost in lust. But suddenly there was a loud bang, and the door flew open, startling them both. Nikki pulled apart from Lorraine, quickly tearing her lips away, causing Lorraine's eyes to fly open.

Stood leaning against the doorframe was the most feared student in Waterloo Road. Not only feared by the pupils, but also the teachers. Him and his family had power over everyone, and if he wanted something his way, he would get it. He was evil. Treated everyone with disrespect. And if he were to find out a secret which he knew would destroy someone, he wouldn't keep it to himself. Nikki could feel the hot, quick adrenalin pumping through her body. But she didn't know if it was from the heated moment with Lorraine, or the fact that Barry Barry, of all people, had just witnessed something that should never have happened.

"Alright Miss." He said, his cocky smirk growing bigger as he watched the pair shuffle further away from each other. "Didn't interrupt nothing, did I?" Barry asked sarcastically. Nikki sighed before walking over to him, taking a sharp grip of his arm, and pushing him out of the staff room. "Go to PRU, now. And I'll be having words with you later about why you can't just through your weight around where it's not wanted." She gritted her teeth, watching as he laughed. "You wanna be careful who you threaten Miss." He scowled. "I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone finding out about yours and Miss Donnagan's little secret." He grinned and turned away, strutting so confidently back to the PRU.

Lorraine sat on a chair, her shaky hands clasping over her mouth. She jumped up as soon as Nikki came in, praying that she had spoken sense into him, made sure he didn't tell a soul about what had happened. Both their mouths opened as if they wanted to speak, yet neither of them could find the right words to say. Nikki just shook her head vigorously before slumping her body into a chair, and burying her head in her hands. She knew that the news would spread faster than a house on fire. She wanted to scream, she wanted to break down and cry, she wanted to turn back time and make sure it didn't happen. But at the same time, she didn't. She wanted to do it all over again. She would _happily_ do it all over again.

Lorraine walked over to where Nikki sat, and knelt down in front of her, taking hold of her hands. "It'll be okay." She said, trying to stay composed and confident. Nikki nodded, forcing a smile as she tucked a stray piece of hair behind Lorraine's ear. "I better go and talk to him. I don't want anyone else finding out about _that_." She gulped, standing up and walking, or rather running, to the door, in a desperate urge to find Barry. Lorraine rushed after her, managing to catch her arm before she actually got out of the door. "See you after school for that drink then." She slightly panted, raising an eyebrow. Nikki blushed, smiling and giving a small nod, trying to fight back the need to attack those lips again. Lorraine unconsciously bit her lip before grinning back, watching as Nikki turned away and walked at a top speed towards the PRU.

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update this chapter, I had really bad writers block, which is also why this chapter isn't the best :/ I will make the next chapter more thrilling and involve Nikki/Tom and also add a little more Nikki/Lorraine.**

**Thank you to those who reviewed my first chapter, and I promise I will update soon xox**


	3. Chapter 3

Time passed slowly in the PRU and with each tick of the clock Nikki found herself becoming more and more aggravated by Barry's childish behaviour, along with his inappropriate comments. "Barry, stop talking over me." She raised her voice, in hope that he would actually listen. However, Barry was having none of it as he continued to chatter loudly over Miss Boston's attempt at reading _Wuthering Heights_. She'd had enough now. She wasn't in the mood to be messed around with, she just wanted the day to fly past without any chaos. But of course, that wasn't going to happen, was it? Not a day goes by in Waterloo Road where there is no chaos.

The bell finally rang to signal the end of the day, and the pupils of the PRU all stood up and rushed out, giggling and laughing as they did so. Nikki shook her head; she was half-heartedly glad that it was time to go home, but on the other hand, she wasn't. She didn't want to have to face Tom, considering he would just say what he liked, not caring about how she felt. She sighed off the thought before leaving the PRU herself, locking the doors behind her. The corridors were reasonably empty as most of the children were either on their way out, or sitting in detention. But still a couple of pupils hang around in the hall ways, creating a mess and a racket. It didn't bother Nikki too much; she was used to Waterloo Road's horrible habits by now.

As she turned around a corner, books piled in her arms, she collided with Lorraine, who seemed to be hurrying off somewhere. The books fell to the floor, as did Lorraine. "Oh, shit, sorry." Nikki cursed, putting out her hand to help her up. "It's fine. I was looking for you actually." Lorraine smiled, gaining her balance. Nikki frowned a fraction. "If it's about Barry, I've not had a chance to talk to him yet. He's been a bit… distracted in lessons and I didn't have the time or energy to argue with him over what happened. Sorry." She seemed stressed out as she rapidly scooped the books off the floor and turned to walk away.

Lorraine quickly grabbed her arm, turning her around swiftly. "No, look, Nikki. I know Barry's a pain in the back side, and I don't expect you to have to worry about him. Don't bother with it, not yet anyway. We'll deal with the matter if and when it happens." She spoke so confidently, even though deep down she was scared that Barry would spill the dirty little secret. "That's not why I wanted to see you anyway. I was wondering if you would maybe want to go for a drink tonight?" She smiled, despite the look of shock and fear that covered Nikki's face. "Obviously, if you're busy, or, too tired or you just don't want to go… then it's fine, I understand." Lorraine rambled on as she noticed how uncomfortable the woman opposite her looked. Nikki couldn't help but smile and giggle a little. "I'd love to go for a drink..." Lorraine grinned. "Great, I'll pick you u-"

"But I don't think it's the best thing to do, considering what happened earlier." Nikki interrupted, her voice laced with sadness. Lorraine nodded in agreement, not quite sure what to say next. She had a lot on her mind, most of which she tried to forget about, but the one thing that kept creeping its way back was Nikki. The taste of her tongue, the look in her eyes. Why did she always want what she couldn't have? "Well… If you change your mind, text me." Lorraine shrugged, and half-heartedly smiled before walking away feeling slightly humiliated. Now she knows exactly how Nikki felt when she rejected her before half term. Nikki sighed and rolled her eyes, debating whether or not she should run up to Lorraine and take up her offer. But she didn't. Instead, she got in her shiny black car and drove away.

* * *

Nikki pulled up in her drive way, the sound of gravel crunching underneath the tires surrounding her. As she stopped her car, she noticed another vehicle parked outside her house. She rolled her eyes and sighed as she saw Tom sat in the front seat of the car. Stepping out of her 4x4, Nikki felt her heart beat faster than it ever should. She was scared, terrified, that Tom would want to have a serious chat about _them_. She approached her front door, completely ignoring the sound of Tom rushing up behind her, his heavy boots meeting with the floor. "Nikki." He panted, out of breath from trying to catch her before she managed to escape into her house. "What do you want?" She said coldly, emotionless, as she unlocked her door with shaky hands, entering the warmth. Tom followed her in, slamming the door behind her. She whipped her jacket off and flung it on the sofa along with her bag. "We need to talk." His voice portrayed anger, despite his attempt to hide it.

"About what, Tom? I thought I made my feelings towards you clear." She raised her voice slightly, subconsciously running her hands through her short brown hair. The tenseness of the situation grew and grew as the pair stood in pure acidic silence, staring at each other, bitterness filling their eyes. "I need to know what's going on between us." His words wavered briefly. "There never was an _us_." She spoke quietly, softly almost. Nikki watched as his face dropped and tears formed in the corner of his eyes. Was she being too harsh on him? Oh, what did it matter, things would never be the same again anyway. "Tom, it was two weeks. Don't get me wrong, it was a good two weeks, but it wasn't anything serious."

"Not to you, maybe, but it meant _everything_ to me." Tom yelled, a tear slowly dancing down his rosy cheek. Nikki looked down at the floor, suddenly finding its patterns interesting. She felt horrible for making Tom cry; he must have felt like crap. Nikki meant everything to him, yet he meant nothing to her. For her, it was just two weeks of having someone to hold you during the cold, lonely night. Someone to distract her constant thoughts of the one that rejected her, made her feel so low and stupid. "Why did you suddenly go off me? Is there someone else?" He asked, his temper not so high anymore. Nikki rolled her eyes, laughing sarcastically. "You really are paranoid." She said through gritted teeth, having to bite down on her tongue to stop her from giving him a piece of her mind. She barged past him towards the door, slinging it opening with power. "Out." She hissed.

Tom swiped at the tears on his cheeks before storming past Nikki and out of the door, hearing it slam behind him. He took a deep breath in, walking to his car. Once he got in, he sat there, staring at her house which used to be his second home. It was very unlikely that he would be going there again. Before driving off, he decided to check his phone for the time. 10:43pm. It was too late to be messing around with feelings, maybe she would feel differently once she'd had a good night's rest.

* * *

Nikki leant against the door, her breathing unsteady and her emotions running high. She felt mean for doing that to Tom. He had done nothing wrong. She felt a cold tear trickle down her face as she relived the conversation in her head. _"Is there someone else?"_ When he said those words, Nikki's heart sunk to her feet. She was convinced that he knew about her and Lorraine, and the little accident in the staff-room. Except, it wasn't an accident, it was meant to happen, it was what both women wanted, no matter how much they denied it. She allowed a smile to creep onto her face as her mind was consumed with thoughts of Lorraine. How her blonde curls sit perfectly on her shoulders, how her lips always looked so soft and delicate, how the dresses she wears shape her figure amazingly well. Why on earth did she turn down the offer to go for a drink with her?

She walked over to her phone which was sat on the kitchen side, and picked it up. As she scrolled through her contacts list, her hands shook slightly from the adrenalin of the heated discussion she just had with Tom. She finally reached Lorraine's number, and without hesitation, she called it. It rang a few times. And a few more. Nikki was running out of hope. Just as she was about to hang up, Lorraine answered.

"Nikki, hi." She said, stifling a yawn.

"Lorraine, sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, it's fine. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just wondered if you still wanted to go for that drink?"

"Sure, yeah, definitely. I'll pick you up now if you like?"

"That would be great. See you in a bit."

* * *

The night went past quicker than expected, and in no time both women found themselves surrounded by many beer bottles and empty vodka glasses. Nikki had told Lorraine about Tom and how she felt horrible for making him feel like shit, but also that she has feelings too, feelings that deserve to be respected. "I don't know what he wants me to say." She slurred, the alcohol taking over her brain. "I mean, he stood there and told me that I meant everything to him, even though I told him numerous times that I don't like him in that way." She took another gulp of beer, as Lorraine processed what she had just been told. As she went to respond, Nikki butted in. "And then – get this – he asked me if there was someone else! It's not his bloody business whether there is anyone else or not." She looked down at her hands, which were fiddling with the bottle half full of beer.

"Is there… someone else?" Lorraine stuttered, her words barely audible. Nikki's head shot up. "Well… I don't know. There's this one person I like. And _she's_ amazing, I would kiss her right now if I could, but I don't think she would want me to." She shook her head a fraction. Lorraine placed her hand over Nikki's, caressing it lightly with her thumb, before leaning forwards and allowing her lips to lock with Nikki's. Their tongues entwined for the second time that day. Nikki deepened the kiss, her hands cupped around Lorraine's cheeks. At that moment she didn't care who saw, she didn't even care if Tom had walked in the pub, because she now knew exactly how Lorraine felt about her. Lorraine wasn't the best person to deal with emotion, it made her panic, shut down. She just couldn't put it into words. But when she was with Nikki, everything felt perfect. She felt like she didn't need to explain her emotions, because Nikki already knew exactly how she was feeling. They broke apart, smiling. "Actually… on second thoughts… I don't think she would mind so much." Nikki smirked seductively as she watched Lorraine laugh.

After making a rational decision to go back to Lorraine's for the night, the two women got in a taxi and sped off across Greenock, exchanging kisses and lustful looks on their way.

* * *

**A/N: I know I haven't updated in quite a while, and I am very sorry about that! I've had a lot of exams and I've also been working harder on my videos. Also, this chapter is the last chapter, as I feel like this story is going no-where, and this seems like a good chapter to finish it on. :)**

**Please leave a review as it means the world to me. Leave thoughts, good or bad.**

**Thank you xoxo**


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